I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
