The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
