I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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