Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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