I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
