I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
