I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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