oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
