I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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