alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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