i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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