i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
