i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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