hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
