Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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