Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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