My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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