I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
