i jhust puked up my retainher.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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