8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
