We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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