I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
