I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
