I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
