Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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