I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
