Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
