I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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