...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
