eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
