Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
