in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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