Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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