Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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