"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
