Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
