true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
