i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
