my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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