So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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