One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize