Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
