upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
