College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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