I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
