Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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