Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
My feet surprised me
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
