I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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