Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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