sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
