Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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