it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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