last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
