I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize