I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
