They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Oh god it's open bar.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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