Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
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