Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
