I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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