note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
